I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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