I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
