I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
