Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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