I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
