Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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