So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
