quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
