The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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