do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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