in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
