I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
