Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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