genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
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