I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
