He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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