Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
