She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
