Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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