There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
is it fun? or sober?
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