just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
