it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
