Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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