Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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