Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
