Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
