It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize