After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
