My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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