Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
