Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
