I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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