Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
