hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize