She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
