she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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