I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
