I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
