Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
