I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
