I'm so fucking centered right now
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
