he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
