TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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