my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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