why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
