he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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