Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
