dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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