the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
