I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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