She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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