Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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