I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
