i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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