Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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