Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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