you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize