My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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