tell your sister to shave her snatch
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
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